I Review Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" because a mutt pooped on my mom's new carpet.

Well if mom didn't want the dog to take a massive dump on her carpet she shouldn't have yelled at him.

That's how this book report came about. I found a three-legged pug on my way back from the bookstore. He was shaking and trembling, but he seemed to like me. So I bring him home and he hobbles right into the living room and on mom's new carpet. I swear he wouldn't have pooped if she didn't come in screaming about a mutt on her new carpet. She scared the s*** out of him, literally.

Long story short I had to take the pug to the shelter and now I have to write another book report for her. As you know, she jumps at any excuse to get me to write these stupid things. I don't see the stain because the carpet was brown, but she says I have to write a book report for every day the stain is still there. After this book report I'm scrubbing the crap out of that carpet, literally.

Thankfully, I bought a relatively enjoyable book to read at the bookstore. It's called "The Haunting of Hill House" by Shirley Jackson. If you went to school or a university you probably read her short story "The Lottery" in an English class. It's one of the most widely anthologized short stories ever. More than likely it was in one of the two hundred dollar anthologies you had to buy for college. Hooray for learning.

First thing I have to say is do yourself a favor and read this book alone at night. Preferably with only one lamp so dim that the light doesn't reach all the corners of the room.  You don't need to read it like that, but it can be fun. Especially when you hear groaning, shuffling footsteps, and see a squat round shadow step into the light. Then you realize it's your mom sleepwalking again. So you throw something at her, something solid because she won't remember it in morning.

Anyway, Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" is one of the original haunted house stories. She wrote about haunted houses before it was cool. In fact she made them cool and because it's original. There are the obvious tropes that come along with haunted house stories. Here's a checklist:

• isolated mansion
• house has dubious, murderous history
• things go bump in the night
• possession 

And probably some others I'm not remembering right now. Although all these tropes are in the story they don't distract or take away any of the mounting tension by knowing these things beforehand. Instead, they're so well written and unique that they enhance the story. Jackson's book is unique from other haunted house stories because 1) it's the well from which author's draw for haunted house stories and 2) it takes the tropes and turns them on their heads. 

One of the reasons "The Haunting of Hill House" stands out is because for an author with a reputation of writing horrific stories this has a lot of humor. The four main characters have quite a lot of fun at the expense of the caretaker, Mrs. Dudley. At points I laughed out loud. Or as it's said in this day, I LOL'd. 

Getting the audience laughing is something very important in horror fiction. If you can get the reader comfortable enough to laugh you've got them emotionally involved.  It opens the reader up and allows them to suspend their disbelief easier when supernatural things start to happen. Once they are emotionally involved the author can do anything they want.

This story isn't like Stephen King where the grotesque and gore splatter across the page. Granted King does more than just that, but there is no denying there is blood in his stories. "The Haunting of Hill House" is a different kind of horror. It's a slow, slow burn. There's lots of character development and humor with little hints at horror. The protagonist, Eleanor's, main concern isn't for her life, but of not showing fear in front of her new friends. 

Keeping composure and a clear head are Eleanor's main concerns.This may be because she was asked to Hill house for the scientific study of the paranormal. But I believe the real reason, or the reason that has more pull is that Eleanor made such strong connections with the three other people in the house that she wants to show them she's normal.  You see, the story isn't about scary things happening to people in a haunted house. Even though that's exactly what happens in this book. The story is about friendship and companionship. It's about people. 

Much of the story focuses on Eleanor becoming friends with Theodora, Luke, and Dr. Montague. As the story progresses we see her desire to cling to the only friends she's ever had in her adult life drive her away from them. Sounds a lot like my mom. Who doesn't like a three-legged dog? She has no heart or soul. 

Unlike my mom, Shirley Jackson can be a genius. Specifically with dialogue and character development. Each of the four characters are distinctly different. They riff off of each other and interrupt each other as if they were real people. It all comes together to make a very believable friendship. A friendship that at times I felt privileged to have peek into.  

Something that I disliked about the writing was the quantity of adverbs. The adverbs are extra fluff that tells the reader what they already know from the context of the story. Example: "...it would be a pity, she thought grimly, for anyone to get a first look at the house with anything so comforting as a human automobile parked in front of it-" It's just a pet peeve of mine, but this entire thought is grim. There is no need for the adverb "grimly." It slows the reading down and is kind of useless weight in an otherwise splendid sentence. 

While there are a lot of these adverbs it didn't outweigh the good in the story. Good things like descriptions, character development, and dialogue were so prominent that it didn't bug me too much. But what does bug me is my mom trying to get me to clean a stain that doesn't even really show because poop is brown and her carpet is the exact same shade of dog poop. 

Shirley Jackson was a smart writer. She didn't think the reader was dumb. At times she makes the reader work for an image or have to piece together hints to find something. Something like a callback or foreshadowing that makes you shiver or laugh when you figure it out. She is a master of the craft of writing and you'll never read a haunted house story quite like this one. 

Now I'm going to end this because I've got to wipe crap off a carpet. Should have never brought that dog inside, but come on it had three legs and big sad eyes. Although for such a small dog it dropped quite the load. Dare I say I was a little proud of my dog of two hours? Did I find joy for a fleeting second at the look of horror and disgust on my mother's face as the three-legged pug squatted over her new carpet? Yes and Yes. If there's been a book report I've done that's worth anything it's this one. It's worth a pile of dog poo.

I review Neil Gaiman's "The Ocean at the end of the Lane" instead of paying rent.

Things I'd rather do than write another book report: die.

So mom says if I want to continue to live in the basement for free then I have to be productive.  Productivity is another book report in her mind. I read a book and now I'm going to report on it so I don't have to start paying rent to live in my mother's basement. 

At least this book was enjoyable unlike the R.L. Stine book. The story I read was "The Ocean at the end of the Lane" by Neil Gaiman.  The story, like many of Gaiman's books, has a fairy tale atmosphere around it. It's like when you open any Gaiman book a large soft blanket, fresh-out-of-the-dryer-warm wraps around you. So if you like that feeling Gaiman is your author. 

I've read many of Neil Gaiman's books. I have an indescribable respect for him. "American Gods" and "Stardust" are books I've started and finished within days. He has a way with world building and characterization that makes you forget where you are. Even when your mom is yelling at you from the top of the basement steps to clean the bathroom his world can make you ignore her for hours and hours. When an author can do that you know they're good at what they do. 

Now that I've said that I can say this. His short novel "The Ocean at the end of the Lane" is not his strongest work. I think the main reason this story struggles, for me, is because there isn't enough time for Gaiman to share. It reads rushed. Rushed like how my mom always rushes me to go outside and "get some sun." What the hell, mom? I don't need sun. I'm pale as a blank Word document and I like it that way. Love me for who I am. 

One reason it reads rushed is there isn't much explaining or delving into characters background. Now I'm all for efficiency and bare bones story telling, but the magical nature of the characters in question begs for a little more explanation.  

Another reason it seems rushed is that there are massive events that are just brushed over. Massive events such as the main character's father cheating on his mother with a shape shifting monster that looks like a hot lady. Now I'm all for stories like that, but we don't get any payoff from something like that. We don't get a father being caught or feeling remorse. There is nothing that comes back to say that a man cheating on his wife is dealt with like this or that. It just seemed to me that if you show something like that in your story it should come back to harm the family. 

Neil Gaiman is a curious author to me. At times his writing is crisp, to the point, and enjoyable. But there are times where he lapses into cliche and just plain bad writing. This sentence on page 157 made me groan aloud. "I saw bursts of light that were not there." What? I'm all for making the reader work, but this is just trying to roll a seven with a six sided dice.  This kind of obscurity is rampant throughout the novel.  The narrator sees things then doesn't see them. It's hard to understand what is real. Which might be what Gaiman was going for, but without being able to see anything there is no tension. Here's an example: "It was two people talking in unison. Or a hundred people. I could not tell" (pg. 139).   What is the reader supposed to do with this? Are there a hundred people? Sure we could get that the narrator is scared and confused, but by what? There isn't enough concrete images for me to feel tension at this point. When my mother wants me to be scared she throws all my stuff out on the street corner. I see my lamp and books and dresser sitting on the street corner and I fear that she's kicked me out. But most of the time it's just a scare tactic to keep me productive. 

This story is really a fairy tale for adults. There is magic and sex. And there is deus ex machina. Dues ex machina all over the place. So once you accept it the story is much less frustrating to read. But the fact that this is a story for adults makes me believe that the deus ex machina is insulting our intelligence. Oh, you need someplace for your protagonist to be safe? Here is a fairy ring that's TOTALLY been in your yard the whole time. What do you know? None of the monsters can break the ring! At times it reads like Gaiman wrote himself into a corner and then just stood up and yelled MAGIC at the computer screen and typed some lame deus ex machina into the story.  Maybe I should try that with mom. The next time she tells me to do something I'm going to stand up and yell MAGIC and wait for something to happen. And when it doesn't happen I'll know that I'm never going to Hogwarts and that deus ex machina is the absolute worst thing you can put into a story. 

One last thing. Since Neil Gaiman is British I don't know if this is a British thing or what, but the narration reads as if a robot wrote it. Take this example on page 47: "I do not know why I did not ask an adult about it. I do not remember asking adults about anything, except as a last resort." If you read it out loud you sound like a robot. People don't speak like that and narrators shouldn't either. I assume the narrator isn't robot. This mechanical speak isn't natural and it makes the read tough at times. There's no life to it. People speak with contractions and I think narrators should as well.  

I love the ideas in this novel. I just think it was rushed and could have used another edit or two.  If you want Neil Gaiman at his best read "American Gods" or "Stardust." They have fantastical elements like this, but are much longer books so they have more room to breathe and grow, which in turn makes them more believable.  Unlike my mom who doesn't allow me room to breath and grow by smothering me in book reports and chores to keep me productive.   Well she can kiss my butt because I'm cutting this report short because deus ex machina arrived in the form of a timer letting me know my pizza rolls are done.